Effort … right now … my entire life feels as if it takes a giant effort just to keep from drowning in more than I can cope with ….
Last Thursday … my son-in-law got me and Miss Sugar Plum moved in with my daughter, son-in-law, grandson and their doggies. The kids dropped my car and keys off at the dealership – it was on the repo list because I could not make my payments – I officially have no car or transportation of my own now.
On Friday morning … we closed on selling my house … I am now officially homeless with no place to live ofmy very own … I am not in a homeless shelter … but I AM a burden to my family … only time will tell if we will all survive this.
On Saturday … the Bad Dog … got sick … I think he had a stroke or series of strokes … on Sunday … he got worse … he went to the Vet on Monday – they took blood and urine and did tests – the test results came back normal today – he is still not himself.
I can really relate to the effort it takes poor Magnus to get off his pillow and get himself outside just to go to the bathroom right now.
For example: I am used to sleeping in a very quiet house populated only with me and a dog … it was not quiet here last nite until after midnite – the TV – the kids spending time together … all very normal and natural for them … but not for me. I am used to peaceful silence while I eat my dinner – many times, the TV blares on loudly with … bugs, insects, snakes, worms, maggots and all sorts of icky info … during dinner.
I keep telling myself [over & over & over] to be grateful we have a place to live and that we are not under a bridge on foot with a grocery cart and blanket … but the … effort …. required for me to be … GRATEFUL … has gotten harder for me to find as each day has passed since Thursday … perhaps I will find it easier tomorrow though now that I found my deodorant today – if I had to pack my little butterfly suitcase [for living under a bridge] that gave Adam so much amusement in Chinatown when we went to CP Connect … my deodorant would be first on my life of stuff to pack in it – it is not big – it is tiny … room for one set of extra clothes or possibly two .. deodorant … an extra pair of shoes maybe … plus my laptop … and I could drag it along behind me … just like in Chinatown … LOL
I know it is just as difficult for them as it is for me!!!!
After the Universe kicking me UNDER the curb … AGAIN … at my age … 58 … I feel as if I have no real reason to bother putting forth even enough effort to get out of bed let alone try to rebuild my life … yes I am fighting severe depression and enormous feelings of failure … I do not have the physical strength to cart my junk from the garage thru the house up the stairs … like I did when I was young … I do not have the emotional or mental strength to bounce quickly from having my life shattered into pieces …. but I have it to do to continue living, let alone rebuild my life.
I am also telling myself that where there is life … there is SUPPOSED to be HOPE … but I have no hope left in my heart … I am not even sure that my soul has not broken this time … I have no dreams left … I have no expectations of anything good happening for me – though I HAVE NOT told my grandson that – he at twelve would not do well to hear that from Grandma … I feel as if the only reason I am still alive and here is for the Universe and everyone in it to abuse me and mistreat me … is it the sadness, depression and failure feelings speaking? Or is it truth since obviously being a good person and working hard does not guarantee anything good will benefit me in my life – I feel as if only the ugly, the mean, the greedy, and the horrid are rewarded in this world.
I am expending a great amount of effort every day not to … become a statistic. It has become obvious to me that praying for release from this world is not going to get me out of here … if it was … I would already be gone … I am REALLY tired of lemons … trying to make lemonade and lemon meringue … but the Universe is not finished pounding me with awful hurtful painful things. I think the Universe gave me much more than I can handle this time ………………………